Happy 4th of July!

It's really appropriate that we use fireworks to celebrate the 4th of July, a day when we declared our independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain. Why? Because of the chemistry involved in fireworks.

Basically, without getting OVERLY nerdy (let's keep it to an "I'm interesting at cocktail parties" minimum, here, people), there's an oxidizer (stuff that acts as fuel and produces oxygen) and a reduction agent (something that eats up the oxygen). You might remember from chemistry that within an atom, there's a nucleus with some protons in it and the electrons in orbits around the nucleus. Well, a firework's color comes from those electrons becoming excited and unstable (due to the reaction between the oxidizer and reduction agent). When they're excited, then jump to a higher energy level and exhibit some sort of color. They're doing their own demonstration of the Declaration of Independence and the Revolutionary War that followed!

What color it is depends on what element or compound is used. Check out the chart below:

Color	Compound
Red	strontium salts, lithium salts lithium carbonate, Li2CO3 = carmine red strontium carbonate, SrCO3 = bright scarlet red
Orange	calcium salts calcium chloride, CaCl2 calcium sulfate, CaSO4·xH2O, where x = 0,2,3,5
Gold	incandescence of iron (with carbon), charcoal, or lampblack
Yellow	sodium compounds sodium nitrate, NaNO3 cryolite, Na3AlF6
Electric White	white-hot metal, such as magnesium or aluminum barium oxide, BaO
Green	barium compounds + chlorine producer barium chloride, BaCl+ = bright green
Blue	copper compounds + chlorine producer copper acetoarsenite (Paris Green), Cu3As2O3Cu(C2H3O2)2 = blue copper (I) chloride, CuCl = turquoise blue
Purple	mixture of strontium (red) and copper (blue) compounds
Silver	burning aluminum, titanium, or magnesium powder or flakes

I only beg to differ (on behalf of my chemistry teacher, Mrs. Bachman) in a few areas, but thank you about.com:
copper = green
cobalt =blue
potassium = purple

So when you're watching the fireworks tonight (weather permitting of course) and you want to seem like a big nerd, yell out the names of the appropriate elements as their corresponding fireworks colors light up the sky. Happy 4th!

Fabulous Friday

It's finally Friday, and the Boston pride festivities start tomorrow! Well, they probably started last night (or a week ago), for some of the younger, springier chickens, but for me they start tomorrow! I can't wait to go see the parade, have my annual street sausage (ok, who are we kidding, it's one of many street sausages I have in a year), and dance with friends. It's great to have a day to celebrate and to be proud to be the person I am. Every day should be like that. Not in a self-centered, "I'm incredibly awesome" kind of way; that's not what I mean. I mean, I wish more people were happier about who they are. I think if more people led more examined lives and really understood and liked themselves, the world would be a better place.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Me: Happy Cinco de Mayo!
You: Are you of Mexican descent?
Me: Why, no! I celebrate Cinco de Mayo like most Americans: as a general celebration of the culture and experiences of Americans of Mexican ancestry. But I'm not Mexican-American. Remember? We went over this in an earlier post.
You: Oh right! You're of the Unemployed Clan! That's great, but doesn't that kind of limit your Cinco de Mayo celebration? You know, funds-wise?

Listen up, fellow unemployeds: Unemployment doesn't mean you have to halt your Cinco de Mayo celebration for one. I have the perfect solution for you: chicken Taquitos and a shot of Jose. It's festive, it's cheap, and you like it. Now, let's check for the taquitos and Jose.
Taquitos in the freezer: check.
Shot of Jose: checking...

While I check, ponder this: Why the shot of Jose and not a margarita? Because the margarita wasn't even invented until 70 years after Mexico defeated France at the Battle of Puebla (you know, the reason for the holiday? Don't worry; I didn't remember that from 9th grade Spanish either). So the Mexicans who defeated the French army went out and celebrated with...? That's right: chicken taquitos and a shot of Jose. Just. Like. Me.

Ok maybe not just like me: I'm out of Jose. I think I used the last of it when I was celebrating last Filing Day. Shoot. What will I do now?
(looks around for available celebratory alcohol)
(eyes settle on sombrero and Labatt Blue)
Oh well, if they can celebrate Cinco de Mayo in St. Paul Minnesota with gusto, so can I. If I close my eyes and put on the sombrero, maybe the Labatt's will taste like Jose...nope.

Easter Job Hunt

I remember every Easter growing up, my neighbors would have an Easter egg hunt for all the kids in the neighborhood (of which, I was among the youngest). We didn't go every year, but I recall that one year when I was very young, we decided to attend.

Right after church (I was raised a Catholic), in my white frilly dress, white lacy socks, and white patent leather shoes, we went right to the neighbors' house. We got there, and already I was pissed: All the other kids in the neighborhood, who attended the same mass we had that morning, had gone home to change into jeans first. And I was decked in white, ready to plow through their muddy backyard for some hidden Peeps. Not that I was upset that my white lovlies would be ruined. I didn't give a crap about my white lovlies, and I usually ran upstairs upon return from church every Sunday to put on some jeans and play outside. But not this time, oh no. I would wear the white lovlies to the neighbors' and I would like it.

After a few minutes and a few late arrivals, the scavenger hunt in the backyard was set to begin. I could already spot some of the treasures: The foil of a chocolate bunny shining in the sun, the unnatural neon pink egg waiting in the grass, the celophane of the Peeps' box; they're all mine! Mr. Neighbor finally yelled "go!" and all the kids rushed toward the yard, some of them not entirely sure where they were going. I started to run right for those Peeps, but my 5ish-year-old legs didn't take me as fast as the 12-year-olds' did. Plus I was wearing a dress and couldn't run at a full sprint because it would just reveal my white bloomers. (No, I'm not 52, and no, this was not 1949).

As a result, all the other kids got to the shiny foil bunnies and neon eggs with yummies inside, and I went back to the starting line. Mr. Neighbor asked me what was wrong. I explained that I didn't want to wear the dress, and that I couldn't find anything out there. He whispered in my ear that he hid a giant chocolate egg that was bigger than my head behind the willow tree on the right side of the yard. I was sure someone had gotten to it already, but I jogged over to be sure.

When I got there, not only had no one taken the egg, but there were all sorts of other treasures next to it! I held out the outer layer of my dress and filled it with the goods. The other kids saw what I was doing, as well as my amassed treasure, and hurried over, but they were all too late. I had the golden egg, and I was overjoyed.

And that's what I think we all could use right now: A Mr. Neighbor to tell us where the good job is hidden.

I GOT A JOB!

Nahhh, I didn't. April fools! Are you laughing? Don't be fooled by the tears-- I am! Maybe on the inside...

If you are going to plan any sort of AF joke, there are four kinds you should know about:

1. Sad
2. Mean
3. Stupid
   
4. Funny & Nearly Harmless

My joke today, for example, was Sad. Just like the joke an ex played on me one year. We were an on-again, off-again kind of couple, and one year on April Fools Day, we were off again. I wanted to be on again, but she didn't want to. No, this time was for real. She called me and said we should get back together, though, on April Fools Day. I asked "really?" and then she said "No, not really," laughed, and hung up.

Actually, the more I think about it, that joke was not only Sad, it was Mean. It was Smean.

An example of a Stupid AF joke would be something like the plastic wrap on the toilet seat. How is it funny to see a coworker skulkily return from the bathroom with pee on their pants and shoes? For me anyway, it's not that funny. Then again, I'm not a pie to the face, banana peel kind of gal.

Finally, a good example of a Funny & Nearly Harmless AF joke is the best AF joke I've ever played on anyone: Theft of the Left.

It was college and I lived in a townhouse with 9 other women. My roommate and I lived in the basement, where we came up with our Theft of the Left master plan. One incredibly gullible housemate of ours lived upstairs. She was our victim. One day, while she was at class, we went into her room and took all of her left shoes. Giddy, we hid them downstairs in our closets and imagined her reaction. We waited. We heard her arrive home and expected some sort of reaction shortly thereafter, but...nothing. Days went by. A week. Finally, 12 days later, she called my roommate and I (she knew we did it). She had worn the same pair of shoes for 12 days, thinking nothing of the fact that when she wanted to wear another pair, she couldn't find the left shoe. But that day she needed her fancy shoes to go to an interview, so the jig was up. But oh my, 12 days! The three of us laughed, and she went to her interview with both fancy shoes on her feet.

What's your best April Fools story? I'll take the first caller on line one.

St. Patty's Day and Filing Day

Happy St. Patrick's day! And oh, it is happy for me because I'm NOT suffering through an awkward St. Patty's day office party and the likely shenanigans my former boss is probably performing as we write/read!

For example, he is probably wearing something ridiculous and/or creepy like this parade costume at right.

MY BOSS
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In addition, he and his HR wife have five children, all of whom are all likely to make an appearance in the office later in the day. They are equally likely to wear something ridiculous and/or creepy.

THE CLAN
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So, PHEW! I am glad I dodged that bullet!


I'm also not Irish, so other than a little night cap, I don't have anything planned for St. Patty's day. But if I did have something planned, AND I was Irish and African or African American, I would wear the Irish Afro wig:

No, it's not just a green clown wig, it's actually labeled an Irish Afro wig. (Don't believe me? Click on the picture.) Look at how excited that guy looks to wear it, too! It is really nice to see that there's something out there for Irish/African Americans to show their heritage on St. Patty's day.






Or, if I were Irish and Chinese or Chinese American, I would certainly celebrate with the St. Patrick's Day Wheel of Fortunes:

These are, I daresay, amazing. Look at the detail! And once again, it really is great to see the Irish showing such inclusion of diversity in their celebratory efforts! Now Irish/Chinese Americans can show their shamrock spirit! The leprechauns on these fortune cookies sure are happy about it.




Or finally, if I were Irish and Mexican or Mexican American, I would definitely show my pride with my favorite: The Talking Leprechaun Pinata!

This Irish favorite of Mexican origin is not at all creepy when he says, "I'm a lucky leprechaun!," "Ouch!," and "Awesome hit!" as you pummel the crap out of him to get yourself some Tootsie Rolls. (At least, that's what he's supposed to say. Click on "Hear me talk!" to find out what he actually says).


But, the point is, I am not Irish, nor am I African/African American, Chinese/Chinese American, or Mexican/Mexican American. I am of the Unemployed Clan. Sadly, our clan doesn't have a specific day in which we display our salient points in a parade. We can't even throw a party because none of us have money. And what fun is a party without my talking leprechaun friend? None. None at all.

No, instead, we celebrate Sundays, for they are "Filing Day," observed from 7am to 7pm.