Buy my time!

To the tune of "Call Me!" by Blondie

I can run your errands, baby
Let me wash your car
I can start your garden, darling
I'll make your avatar
Come on now, you have a job
and all I do is write my blog

Call me! Buy my time!
Call me, call me; I'll pick up your wine
Call me! And I'll take your to do list for cash only
Call me.

I can walk your doggy, baby
I can bathe your cat
Pick up your dry cleaning, honey?
Yes, I can do that
Is it first class you want to fly?
Or to other jobs you want to apply?

Call me! Buy my time!
Call me when it's peanut butter jelly time
Call me! And I'll take your to do list for cash only
Call me.

I can be your personal shopper
I can cut your grass
I can go pick out your groceries
or drive you to spin class
I would do anything for cash
but, my friend, I won't do that

Call me! Buy my time!
Call me while you're at work (you lucky swine)
Call me! And I'll take your to do list for cash only
Call me.

Inspired by

A new workout!

I try to do something active for at least a half hour a day. When I was working in Middla'noplace MA, I woke up pre-crack of dawn to do a little half-asleep Wii Fit (because it was in the other room and wouldn't wake the dogs, not to mention that it was winter and too cold to go outside). Afterward, I showered and ate breakfast in a zombie-like state, then drove an hour and a half to work. During the first half of that hour and a half, my cup of coffee would kick in. During the second half, it would wear off, so that when I arrived at work, where I would once again be in a zombie-like state.

Well, no more! Now that I have more time on my hands, I can actually schedule a work out at a normal time of day! Finally, it's getting warmer and I have the time and freedom to do stuff other than Wii Fit. I can:

• Go running or go for a long walk. Usually, I'll take Emma with me. She gives me a nice excuse to stop when I get tired. "Oh do you have to stop and sniff this tree? Alright..." I'll say, all the while I'm using her to catch my breath.
  
• Hit some softballs at the park across the street and have Emma retrieve them. It's actually quite impressive since the softballs are bigger than her head. She picks them up by the laces and fumbles with them all the way back to home plate. It's not really an aerobic workout for me, but it sure is entertaining.
  
• Play a pick-up game of basketball with the kids who skip school at the park down the street. I go in with the expectation that I will get my ass kicked, which, if there is more than one 7th grade boy there, I probably will. When the pre-growth spurt 5th graders are there, though, I usually win, and man is that a huge confidence boost! "I gots game!" I'll say quietly to myself as I leave the park out of breath.
  
• Go biking. This option I probably choose the least. I suppose I would bike more around town if I wasn't so afraid of being hit by a car or if my helmet (circa 1991) wasn't from Costco. I would use the bike paths more if they weren't so full of holes and bumps. That sort of terrain is quite unfriendly to not only my 13 year old bike, but also to my nether region.
  
• Use my rower machine. All of the aforementioned options require some sort of prep and travel time, so if I'm not in the mood for that and want to just get a workout in quickly, I choose the rower.
  

Well, now I have another rower-like option! My fiancee was recently glued to the idiot box, particularly an ad very much like this one for the HSN Pilates Power Gym. As a result of that brilliant ad ("you can sculpt, you can shape, you can lengthen, you can lean out that body!"), we now own the Pilates Power Gym!

The day it came felt like Christmas: We were five, and the Reformer was Power Wheels. We took turns using it all day. In my sweatpants; I sculpted, I shaped, I lengthened. I wondered if I looked stupid. The reformer had all of the desireables a workout machine should have. Sure, it wasn't an actual Pilates reformer, but I am more than willing to accept its minor shortcomings and choose to refer to it as "the Reformer" anyway. I'm sure HSN can't do that for some intellectual property reason or another, but if they could, I have the perfect theme song for their infomercials!

Set to the tune of "Informer," by Snow:
Refooor-MER! A gooby doobie flobie zabba where?
A licky boom boom da dare!
Somethin' blah-dy goober yaba daba do, micky has no hair.
A licky boom boom da dare!
ReforMER!

And you get the picture.

Dear HSN: You're welcome. Oh, and I have a question for you. Who has two thumbs and deserves an endorsement check?

This unemployed lady right here.

Bless my bathrobe forever

Part of the beauty of being unemployed is that you can follow through with any thought that would normally go unfinished, no matter where it might lead.

Here's a good example of this: I play trumpet in the Brookline Community Band (yes, I have band camp stories, no they don't involve any flutes), and we're playing Highlights from Camelot. When our 1/2 deaf (bless his heart and hearing aid, it's actually closer to 3/4 deaf) conductor passed out the piece at rehearsal, I was reminded of how my mother used to love the music from that show/movie. She would play it while we did the dishes or rearranged the curtains in the living room and sing merrily along. I tried to watch the 1967 movie rendition growing up, but at age 5, didn't have the patience for monologues and musical numbers. "I should watch that again," I thought to myself, and lo, because of my scads of time, I decided to do just that.

It's delightful corniness and 60s era jokes make me smile...why can't life be more like that? It would be wonderful if we could all stop and spontaneously combust into song. Think of the musical numbers traffic jams would inspire! I'm picturing the choreography now, Jets vs. Sharks style. Oh and the songs I would have sang and the choreography I could have fight-danced when they laid me off...oh to dream.

My frustration with once again being unemployed, though, is still a ripe topic and can easily be set to the tune of Edelweiss:

Unemployed, Unemployed
Once again, I meet thee
Surfing Craig's List, I feel dissed
by the failing economy

When will I get a freaking job?
Will I wait forever?

Unemployed, Unemployed
Bless my bathrobe forever

I plan on singing it in the style of a German bar song every day until I find a job.