Saturday, November 21, 2009


Sometime, when you have a lot of time on your hands, you should look up your astrology profile on something like or the like. Or just google "born on _____" (your birthday) like I did.

What comes up are usually sites that supposedly tell you what you are like. Mine, for example, says I'm optimistic and fun-loving, I love to travel, love adventure, am honest and straightforward, am charismatic, and other such gems.

Reading this, it made me wonder: Are there ever astrology messages that say "you're a terrible person and no one likes you"? I don't think there are, really. I'm not saying that the good messages are wrong - mine certainly wasn't. It just makes you go "hmm." It kind of perpetuates jerkdom, if you think about it, because some jerk, also born on my birthday, will read things like "you're charismatic and people like you" and think, "I'm doing something right by being a jerk!" The fact of the matter is, that's just not true.

It makes me wonder if we're all supposed to, on some level, embody some parts of our astrologically estimated personalities and the people who don't have had some bad stuff happen to them in life, or some moon was out of alignment in the year that they were born, or SOMETHING. Or if maybe astrology is all just purposefully vague so that anyone can apply themselves directly to any statement and say "yes, that sounds like me." Or if it's all just more complicated than that. I'll go with the gray area "it's more complicated than that" for 500.

Also, for what it's worth, every 7 years, my birthday falls on the same day people used to kill turkeys and eat them (now we pre-order, of course, and most of us don't own our own birds or livestock). I don't know what that means astrologically, but I call it my Birthgiving (cross between birthday and Thanksgiving, for those of you having trouble following along). And for the record, no, I have never given birth.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Mastering the art of putting plastic on your windows (I know- who has to even do that anymore?!

  1. Purchase the cheapest box of window sealer-upper plastic business you can find, because you're already angry that your windows are original (I'm sorry, authentic), 103 year old character-filled windows and you have to pay for heat and you don't want to pay any more than you have to. (Check Home the aisle you wouldn't logically think to look the first 3 times).
  2. Bring said box home and immediately realize that you don't have as much plastic business leftover from last fall/winter/spring (ok, non-summer) as you thought.
  3. Return to Home Depot to purchase more plastic business, still not finding the correct aisle on the first try because in the time that you have gone home and returned, they've changed the location to an end-aisle display next to the air-conditioning units (?!).
  4. At home, now adequately equipped with plastic window kits, begin cleaning the surface around the window to which you will stick the tape and plastic (because you learned that the hard way last time, even though it's true that cleaning crumbling wood can only go so far...but hey, we do our best).
  5. Stick tape to outline of window.
  6. Press down so the tape really really sticks.
  7. Press down again.
  8. Now do it again.
  9. Ok, now you're ready. Remove the backing from the tape on the top of the window.
  10. Place the plastic where you want it to go and start pressing down, fully prepared for it to go not at all where you want it to go and to get all bunched up despite your most careful preparations.
  11. Repeat previous step with sides and bottom of window.
  12. Get out your hairdryer and start the shrink-by-heat process, starting in the middle of the window.
  13. Reach the edges of the window and watch in utter horror as the plastic, shrunk too much in the middle and now without give around the sides, pulls the tape right off your windows.
  14. Curse the windows and remember that you have to start with the edges (where the tape is) when initiating the shrink-by-heat process.
  15. Patch up window #1 with packing tape and move on to the next window, remembering to start with the edges when hair-dryer-ing it.
  16. Reach the end of the process with window #2, only to once again, watch in horror as the plastic pulls away, seemingly inexplicably, from the window.
  17. Curse the bottom of the window and remember that you have to put two layers of tape on the bottom, just because that's the way it's gotta be. Not that they tell you this in the directions, but you remember doing it last time.
  18. Patch up window #2 with packing tape (it's an attractive decorating theme) and move on to the next window, remembering to start with the edges and to double up on the tape for the bottom layer.
  19. Curse and patch up an entire room full of windows only to remember that you have to press down on the edges where the plastic meets the tape immediately after hair-dryer-ing each section, thus ensuring the desired, long-term stickage.
  20. Finally, in a room that does not matter aesthetically because it is your bedroom and guests will not see it nor admire its lack of packing tape decor, complete your first error-free, completely sealed window.
  21. Repeat for entire room full of windows.
Happy Plastic Season.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Happy Election Day

Happy election day everyone! Don't forget to go out and vote!

And for those of you who try to do your research before you vote, please, do take this campaign song into account:

Yes: this is a real campaign.
Yes: I may be voting for this man. For you out of staters: Don't you wish you lived here so you could vote for him too? Answer: Yes, yes you do.
Yes: You will have a better day with this song in your head for the entire day.