TTMPS

It's been a little while since I was laid off, and enough time has passed that I have developed a very serious condition: Talking To My Pet(s) Syndrome (TTMPS).

What is TTMPS? I'll tell you. TTMPS is a condition in which the affected goes beyond the normal dialogue with their pets (sit, stay, there's a good boy/girl!, no!) and starts to:

a) think they and their pet understand each other
ex. Affected: Oh Fluffy, I've just been so lonely without a job or coworkers.
(Fluffy settles in next to the Affected)
No, it's not your fault. I know I'll always have you. Say, you want to watch King of the Hill?
(Fluffy's ears perk up slightly)
Yeah you do! I know how much you love that show!

b) use their pet's "voice" to talk for them in "conversation," essentially talking to themselves
ex. Affected: Fluffy, dear, how are you feeling today?
Affected (as Fluffy in a higher pitched voice): Ok, Mom, but I'd really like a cookie!
Affected: Oh really? Do you think you deserve a cookie, Fluffy?
Affected as Fluffy: Yeah, Mom, I do! I do!
Affected: Oh alright...

c) talk using their pet's "voice" to talk to other people
ex. Affected's friend, Claire: Oh, look! I think your dog wants to play with me!
Affected: Do you want to play with Claire, Fluffy?
Affected as Fluffy: Yeah, yeah! Please play with me!
Affected: Oh I think so, Claire! Here, grab Mr. Piggy by the leg. She really likes that.
Claire gets the feeling she's at a really bad one-man puppet show, but plays with Fluffy.
Affected as Fluffy: Yeah! And I really like the way you smell, Claire!
Claire: Ok, this is awkward...

I have voices for Emma and Sparki, and have invented their personalities based on what I presume to be a fantastic understanding of their behaviors. Emma has a high-pitched voice. She can be whiny at times, but is mostly fun, assertive, and a jokester.

For Sparki, I use a voice that is Eeyore meets boy going through puberty. He is grumpy and usually annoyed with Emma and/or the world, but he's a gentleman and a team player. He's also got a soft spot for tummy time.

Ok yes, this is a problem. Does anyone know the cure for TTMPS?
Get a job, right? Man, that seems to be the answer for everything these days!