I'm sorry, the position has been filled

My job search efforts are usually front-loaded at the beginning of the week. This is probably because on the weekends, it feels like everyone is unemployed. My friends and I engage in activities that I experience on a daily basis. Come Monday, however, the employed head back to their jobly routines and I remain here in my bathrobe. To fill the void made evident by this stark contrast between weekend and weekday, I job search.

The economy being what it is, however, I haven't found much to which I even want to apply. As a result, my standards have dropped dramatically and I've resorted to applying to anything. Anything at all, which includes jobs slightly outside of my realm of expertise, interest, and intelligence level. In what you think would be a cornucopia of resulting jobs, I have found that every position lists the same requirements:

• Solid background in computers; and use of excel, word, etc.
  
• Good communication skills and written abilities.
  
• Well organized, with the ability to prioritize projects.
  
• Prefer some experience within industry, 1 year or related degree.
• College Degree preferred.
• Working well with others in professional matter.
• Sales experience a plus.
  

Am I right, job seekers? From teaching English in Korea to administrative assistant positions, these are the requirements. To that, I have four things to say. First, the cranky stuff:

1. Duh! Could you be a little more specific?
2. Just to clear the air and get something straight, here: Most people have those skills. In an economy like this one, everyone who applies to the job you, Employer, have posted will have those skills and more. The Unemployeds Formerly Known As Mid-level Employees (TUFKAME), like myself, are desperate and applying to anything, including entry-level positions. That means you can get someone extremely over-qualified for your basic entry-level position. Hooray for you. I have all of those skills, but will you hire me? Probably not. Boo for me.
3. Why is every position these days laced with sales? You try to slip it in like it's just preferred, but we all know you're going to make us cold call until we've lost every shred of dignity.
   

And now for the heart of the matter:

4. I would kill for one posted job to have requirements that were a little more...interesting.

Like:

• Solid background in fun: laughing, jumping, climbing trees, etc.
• Able to pat head and rub stomach at the same time
• Can find the funny in anything
• Must have a catch phrase of some sort
  
• Wears top hat, disguise glasses and nose, and polka dotted tie equally well
  
• Must have own rubber chicken
• Is friends with frogs and pigs alike
  

Oh, wait. That position does exist, and I'm sorry, it's been filled.

Wocka wocka wocka!