Thursday, December 18, 2008

Drive Illustrated: Children's Edition

On my way to work this morning, I thought, Gee, wouldn't it be nice if I had pictures to remember my awesome drive by? My mind focused on the last two words (drive by), and I envisioned a turkey gangster drive by. Smiling, and thinking of Thanksgiving, I got out my camera to "shoot" a few.

I have finally pinned it down: My drive has a visual effect similar to that of the beginning of The Shining, accompanied by the narrative of the beginning of a childrens' tale. Keep the visual effect in mind as you read the following:

Teacher: Hi boys and girls! Today we're here to talk about drives to work.
Boys & Girls: Oh boy!
T: There once was a fool called "Pam":

Tommy: Why was Pam a fool, Mrs. T?
T: No one knows, Tommy. Now shut up and listen.
Pam had to drive a loooooooong way to get to her job.
B&G: How long, Mrs. T?
T: She had to drive almost 50 miles each way!
B&G: Woooooooooooow
T: She started out in the city each morning, surrounded by people and buildings and fun things to do. But as she drove further and further away, there were less people, buildings, and fun things to do. There were other things that Pam saw on her way, though. Like the birch tree forest:

T: Then she had to pass under the bridge of icicle death, of which she couldn't get a picture because it was that dangerous.
B&G: Wooooooooooow.
T: Then, Pam drove into the Correctional Facility complex.

Why did she have to drive into the--
T: Never you mind, Tommy.
T: Once she made the turn, Pam found herself driving through an endless forest where the scenery didn't change for miles and miles.

: When the sea of trees finally parted, there were open fields far and wide. Pam usually saw turkeys there, but for whatever reason, they don't like her very much and decided to hide out when she was driving by today.
B&G: Awww maaaaan!

After passing several men in orange jump suits, a band of police vehicles, and the correctional facility itself, Pam passed a farm. On it, she saw fake cows.


Well, they weren't really fake. They just stood really, really still.

(looks of utter disappointment)

T: Pam passed the farm, and then a cemetery and the suburban ghetto. Once she could see the pond, she knew she was finally at work.
T: It was a spooky, old mill building that she worked in. Rumor has it they once crafted the biggest rope in all the land!
B&G: Wooooooooooow!
T: Pam entered the building and smelled one of the businesses there immediately. It was a dessert-making bakery type place. At first, the smell of cinnamon and butter made her mouth water, but then, when she could smell the machinery used to make the desserts and the soap used to clean the machinery, she had to hold her breath.
Pam named the hallway where this dessert-making bakery type place was located "The Hallway of Smells."
B&G: Ewwwwwwww!

T: After braving The Hallway of Smells, she takes a left, a right, and another right, and she is finally at her job.
B&G: Yaaaaaaaay!

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