Memory Monday: Michelle Obama and her hotness

Ah, Memory Monday: The day of the week when I reminisce about an old job.

This MM, I reflect on an uncomfortable encounter with my boss at my most recent position.

It was some time around the inauguration of President Obama, and I was eating my lunch alone in the break room. It was only my boss and I in the office that day, and he was on the phone when I announced my intent to eat "lunch now" both in the common area and via email. I didn't want to eat lunch with him; he wasn't really my favorite person, and to boot, my fake smile was in the shop. So, I sat down with my toasted turkey and swiss cheese sandwich on sufficiently hot-sauced Fiber One bread (no, it's really good!) and breathed a sigh of relief.

The break room was so pleasant when it was just my turkey sandwich and me. The mini fridge circa 1992 gave off a pleasant hum, the sink a disfunctional trickle. The K-cup machine, for once, was silent. With a warm bite of sandwich in my mouth, I closed my eyes, thankful that this moment of solitude was not lost somewhere in the ubsurdity of the Place Games. A small sigh escaped my lips.

Ruining everything, my boss entered. The melody and harmony of the fridge and sink, like small forrest animals, sensed his presence and scampered away, out of earshot. He turned on the K-cup machine and started to brew his ninth cup of terrible coffee. My sandwich and I flinched at the incessant "BWOONNNNNNN" of the K-cup hulk as it heated the water. Solitude over. I donned the fakest of fake smiles as he sat down with a cold piece of pizza.

As a side note, maybe this makes me a communist or something, but I can't do cold pizza. I will gladly wait the minute and a half for the toaster oven to return it to its former glory, because cold, pizza tastes mushy and stupid. There, I said it.

My boss added to the chorus of ugly sounds by chewing his cold piece of nasty rather loudly. I felt like I would throw up. But then it got even worse: He decided to start a conversation.

Boss, holding up the newspaper, a droopy looking onion dripping off his chin: Oh look the Obamas are on the front page. That was a great innauguration. (or something to that effect -- I don't remember; I was distracted by the onion as it tried to escape his face)
Me: Oh yeah, it really was.

And then it hit me in the face like...like...like a cold, droopy onion...

Boss: Isn't Michelle Obama HOT?

I don't remember what I said; I think I might have blacked out.

He didn't say anything about the good stuff she's done already, what she stands for, nothing. I hadn't expected him to, and I don't know if that conversation would have been appropriate in the workplace either. But the road he went down was definitely not a road I wanted to travel with my boss!

I probably said something like "You have onion on your chin" to change the subject, followed by "oh, gotta go; I have a call in a few minutes." I'll let you in on a secret: I never had a call.

Lessons I learned that day:

1. When it was only Mr. Droopy Onion Chin and myself, I would henceforth eat my lunch in my own office.
2. The topic of Michelle Obama's hotness is a good one to bring up at parties. I find there are equal numbers in the hot and not-hot camps. If there is a dull moment at a party or someone has just asked you "What do you do?" and you're unemployed, try bringing this up.

Unanswered question: Am I a communist for not liking cold pizza?

Big news: I'm not alone!

My friend Traci just got laid off. No, this isn't something that necessarily concerns you; you probably don't even know Traci. But it's big news for me, friends, and I'll tell you why:

I am no longer alone!

Now before you jump to the conclusion that I live under a rock, please understand that of course I was aware that I wasn't the only person unemployed these days. No one can escape the news about the rising unemployment rate. This is true even if you're unemployed and the news is no longer a) thrust upon you, like the soggy copy of the Metro that you didn't notice was on your seat before you sat down on the T, or b) convenient, like tuning in to NPR on your drive to work or asking the uber-informed coworker in your office. Instead of these sources, most unemployeds turn to one more more of the following five things:

1. People who have daily access to the aforementioned sources
2. The online versions of the aforementioned sources
   
3. The actual, honest to goodness, printed newspaper...oh wait...nevermind
   
4. The television
5. Perhaps the most common source, at least among the laid off of my age group, the internet generally
   

In addition to my sources, there have been a few members of my family who recently found their inboxes echoingly empty but for the telltale pink slip. This presented me with close-to-home proof that people other than myself had come down with Unemployment. These days, everyone knows someone who has been affected by Unemployment, and now I knew some too. The problem was, however, that the folks in my family who were laid off are all middle-aged. This didn't make their experiences any better or worse than mine, but it did make them qualitatively different to the point of potential non-relatability.

And so upon contracting Unemployment and presenting its full chorus of accompanying symptoms, I was stuck trying to relate my unemployed feelings to my friends, none of which were unemployed at the time. They did as well as they could, considering none of them had ever spent more than a month unemployed. I truly appreciated every bit of their genuine condolences and attempts at empathy, but something was just missing. They hadn't lived it.

Traci, however, is living it and can relate to my experience, just as I can relate to hers.

• We are both temporary victims of Unemployment and worked in the same general industry pre-layoff
• We are of the same age group
• We both grew up as members of the upper-middle class, have always been savers, and are not Recessionistas*
  

Among our concerns:

• How to get another full time job in an industry that is the first thing to be cut in a recession
  
• How to pay rent and still do a few social things with friends who have steady incomes

Not among our concerns:

• How to find a part time job that might last until we can really retire (middle-agers)
  
• How to seem culturally relevant and trendy by not flaunting our gobs of money (Recessionistas)
  

I feel like we will form the foundation for a nice little secret club; complete with orange juice-inspired declarations that we are doing just fine at breakfast, boss and coworker rants over mid-morning bloody marys, "I would do anything to get a job" talks over sobering sips of water at lunch, discussions of jobless depression during late afternoon cookies and milk, and affirmations of acceptance in armchairs over after dinner tea.

Why all of our conversations will be mildly alliterative, mimic the stages of grief, and be centered around beverages, I'm not entirely sure. But I'm ok with it!



*The Recession Chic article was written by my cousin, Kelly Marages. Read it or listen to the NPR segment.

A new workout!

I try to do something active for at least a half hour a day. When I was working in Middla'noplace MA, I woke up pre-crack of dawn to do a little half-asleep Wii Fit (because it was in the other room and wouldn't wake the dogs, not to mention that it was winter and too cold to go outside). Afterward, I showered and ate breakfast in a zombie-like state, then drove an hour and a half to work. During the first half of that hour and a half, my cup of coffee would kick in. During the second half, it would wear off, so that when I arrived at work, where I would once again be in a zombie-like state.

Well, no more! Now that I have more time on my hands, I can actually schedule a work out at a normal time of day! Finally, it's getting warmer and I have the time and freedom to do stuff other than Wii Fit. I can:

• Go running or go for a long walk. Usually, I'll take Emma with me. She gives me a nice excuse to stop when I get tired. "Oh do you have to stop and sniff this tree? Alright..." I'll say, all the while I'm using her to catch my breath.
  
• Hit some softballs at the park across the street and have Emma retrieve them. It's actually quite impressive since the softballs are bigger than her head. She picks them up by the laces and fumbles with them all the way back to home plate. It's not really an aerobic workout for me, but it sure is entertaining.
  
• Play a pick-up game of basketball with the kids who skip school at the park down the street. I go in with the expectation that I will get my ass kicked, which, if there is more than one 7th grade boy there, I probably will. When the pre-growth spurt 5th graders are there, though, I usually win, and man is that a huge confidence boost! "I gots game!" I'll say quietly to myself as I leave the park out of breath.
  
• Go biking. This option I probably choose the least. I suppose I would bike more around town if I wasn't so afraid of being hit by a car or if my helmet (circa 1991) wasn't from Costco. I would use the bike paths more if they weren't so full of holes and bumps. That sort of terrain is quite unfriendly to not only my 13 year old bike, but also to my nether region.
  
• Use my rower machine. All of the aforementioned options require some sort of prep and travel time, so if I'm not in the mood for that and want to just get a workout in quickly, I choose the rower.
  

Well, now I have another rower-like option! My fiancee was recently glued to the idiot box, particularly an ad very much like this one for the HSN Pilates Power Gym. As a result of that brilliant ad ("you can sculpt, you can shape, you can lengthen, you can lean out that body!"), we now own the Pilates Power Gym!

The day it came felt like Christmas: We were five, and the Reformer was Power Wheels. We took turns using it all day. In my sweatpants; I sculpted, I shaped, I lengthened. I wondered if I looked stupid. The reformer had all of the desireables a workout machine should have. Sure, it wasn't an actual Pilates reformer, but I am more than willing to accept its minor shortcomings and choose to refer to it as "the Reformer" anyway. I'm sure HSN can't do that for some intellectual property reason or another, but if they could, I have the perfect theme song for their infomercials!

Set to the tune of "Informer," by Snow:
Refooor-MER! A gooby doobie flobie zabba where?
A licky boom boom da dare!
Somethin' blah-dy goober yaba daba do, micky has no hair.
A licky boom boom da dare!
ReforMER!

And you get the picture.

Dear HSN: You're welcome. Oh, and I have a question for you. Who has two thumbs and deserves an endorsement check?

This unemployed lady right here.

I'm sorry, the position has been filled

My job search efforts are usually front-loaded at the beginning of the week. This is probably because on the weekends, it feels like everyone is unemployed. My friends and I engage in activities that I experience on a daily basis. Come Monday, however, the employed head back to their jobly routines and I remain here in my bathrobe. To fill the void made evident by this stark contrast between weekend and weekday, I job search.

The economy being what it is, however, I haven't found much to which I even want to apply. As a result, my standards have dropped dramatically and I've resorted to applying to anything. Anything at all, which includes jobs slightly outside of my realm of expertise, interest, and intelligence level. In what you think would be a cornucopia of resulting jobs, I have found that every position lists the same requirements:

• Solid background in computers; and use of excel, word, etc.
  
• Good communication skills and written abilities.
  
• Well organized, with the ability to prioritize projects.
  
• Prefer some experience within industry, 1 year or related degree.
• College Degree preferred.
• Working well with others in professional matter.
• Sales experience a plus.
  

Am I right, job seekers? From teaching English in Korea to administrative assistant positions, these are the requirements. To that, I have four things to say. First, the cranky stuff:

1. Duh! Could you be a little more specific?
2. Just to clear the air and get something straight, here: Most people have those skills. In an economy like this one, everyone who applies to the job you, Employer, have posted will have those skills and more. The Unemployeds Formerly Known As Mid-level Employees (TUFKAME), like myself, are desperate and applying to anything, including entry-level positions. That means you can get someone extremely over-qualified for your basic entry-level position. Hooray for you. I have all of those skills, but will you hire me? Probably not. Boo for me.
3. Why is every position these days laced with sales? You try to slip it in like it's just preferred, but we all know you're going to make us cold call until we've lost every shred of dignity.
   

And now for the heart of the matter:

4. I would kill for one posted job to have requirements that were a little more...interesting.

Like:

• Solid background in fun: laughing, jumping, climbing trees, etc.
• Able to pat head and rub stomach at the same time
• Can find the funny in anything
• Must have a catch phrase of some sort
  
• Wears top hat, disguise glasses and nose, and polka dotted tie equally well
  
• Must have own rubber chicken
• Is friends with frogs and pigs alike
  

Oh, wait. That position does exist, and I'm sorry, it's been filled.

Wocka wocka wocka!

Happy birthday to one of my favorite "coworkers"

EMMA

She's the coworker that collaborates well with others...
...but is never afraid to constructively voice her opinion...


...and hardly ever falls asleep on the job (except maybe this time)...

...and she's 2 (human) years old today!

Memory Monday: Brought to you by Coffee

Ah, Memory Monday: The day of the week when I reminisce about an old job.

Today, we're going back to a time when I was fresh out of college. A time when I decided to try living without coffee. A time when, no longer living with my formerly ER-obsessed college roommate, I hadn't seen ER in a while. That time was day ten of my first real job, 9:30am.

The back story:
Over instant messaging, a coworker of mine (who was also my superior on certain projects) asked me to help him with a small task. He and I got along very well and were fast friends from day one. He was a native of Venezuela, though it is important to note that his English was better than my Spanish (or any other language) will ever be.

The conversation that followed on IM:
Awesome coworker: Hey Pam, I need you to {insert small task here} within the next half hour. I know it's short notice, but do you think you can do it?
Me: Oh yeah, I'll have it to you stat!
AC: Great!

I start on the project and am half way through, when AC asks...

AC: So, what does "stat" mean?

Feeling the awesome social responsibility to tell him the correct meaning of a somewhat commonly used English language colloquialism, I began to panic. "Why oh why did I use that word," I thought, "and more importantly, why oh why can't I remember what it means?!" So I made it up to buy myself some time...

Me: Stat means "ok," I think...
AC: Oh. Ok!
AC: I mean, stat!

Ohhhh that doesn't sound right! I could feel him latching on to the incorrect definition and trying it out. "Wait!" I wanted to scream. "Give me a minute!" That was when I heard my college roommate in my head, saying, "You idiot! Stat means 'immediately,' like Sooner Than Already Here - not 'ok'!" I typed hastily...

Me: No, wait! It means "immediately!" Sorry about that!
AC: Oh, alright! Thanks!

Phew! I had saved him! Our IM conversation ended and I felt helpful.

But I hadn't saved him. The "ok" definition stuck with him and every time he meant to say "ok" henceforth, he said stat. I corrected him the first couple times, and we laughed about it. But when I heard him doing it in conversations down the hall, I knew I had lost the battle...the battle with my own stupidity. Now every time I hear "stat" I think "I'm an idiot!" and turn bright red.

What's the lesson? Contrary to what you might think, it's not "watch more ER." The lesson I learned from this experience is to never swear off coffee again.

The Mascot Awards

It's been a few days of March Madness now, and I'm beginning to see why they call it "madness." I have had the time, being unemployed, to watch every single college basketball game-- both men's and women's. We're talking hours, nay, days of yelling at referees, cursing the other team, routing for the underdog, and shouldering the bracket busters. During this time, I have subsisted on minimal interaction with live humans and maximum interaction with Mr. Pringle.

All of this has led to the very real potential for a case of March Madness. There was a point today when, slumped over on my couch with only the remote and a bag of chips to prop me up, I realized if I watched college basketball for much longer, my eyeballs would grow soft and just pop right out of my head. Enter: Stage One of MM. Stage Two consists of total muscle atrophy and loss of brain function other than that which is required to say "Yes! And the foul!" Stage Three, the final stage, you don't even want to know about.

Before that could happen, I decided to use my brain. What have I not had time to do because I've had a pesky thing called a job? March Madness still on the brain, I decided to research iffy collegiate mascots. Sticking to the teams that are participating in either the men's or women's tournaments this year, here are the awards for...

Most represented mascot of the 2009 men's tournament: Tigers (LSU, Memphis, Clemson, Missouri)

Most represented mascot of the 2009 women's tournament: Bulldogs (MSU, Georgia, Fresno State, Gonzaga)

Mascot that makes you go "really?" with the most skepticism: The Chattanooga Mocs. "Mocs" was short for "moccasins" until '96, when they decided to be hip (and/or more sensitive to Native Americans) and go by "mocs" instead. Scrappy, the Mockingbird is their mascot. He rides atop a Chattanooga choo choo train. So it's a bird on a train that really represents a shoe. What? Really?

Most made up mascot: The bearcat. Oh, crap, no that's a real thing. The real winner? The Illinois Fighting Illini. Another school who went the less-offensive-to-Native-Americans route, their mascot was Chief Illiniwek until 2007. They kept the name "Illini," though, their reasoning being that "Illini" is short for "Illinois." Even if that worked, it would be stupid because it would make them The Illinois Fighting Illinois. What? That's made up.

Best plant matter mascot: This one has two winners-- Ohio State and Stanford. On paper, it's the Ohio State Buckeyes. Buckeyes are trees native to certain parts of North America, Europe, and eastern Asia. BUT, they lose to Stanford because


does not =










In terms of mascot presentation, clearly it's the Stanford tree. They are, however, referred to as the Stanford Cardinal, meaning the color, not the bird. So why are they a tree again? I don't see the connection.



Most disputed abstract mascot: Cornell and Western Kentucky University, both are "the big red"

Cornell's big red...bear:
WKU's big red...muppet?:

Ok, that was fun. I liked the mental exercise. Now, back to the couch!