Memory Monday: Professor Quotes

Ah, Memory Monday: The day of the week when I reminisce about an old job.

Today we're going waaaay back to my college and graduate school days! Why? Because I was bored and cleaning out my bookshelf today, when I came across a bunch of old binders. That's right: Binders. Luckily, I didn't find any Trapper Keepers, because if I had, nostalgia would have highjacked my tear-ducts. Then, after a little internet research, I discovered that there is no reason to feel nostalgia because they still make Trapper Keepers...and now they're sexy! I don't feel special anymore.

I do, however, feel bad for the kids these days who take notes with laptops. How do they doodle? How do they know what their handwriting looks like? So much is missing... At the top of my notebook pages (college-ruled, thank you very much), I wrote memorable quotes from my professors; quotes that to this day are relevant and serve an important purpose in my life.

For example, reviewing the following quotes has made me glad I decided against becoming a professor:

• "Don't get ahead of me; I'll break your legs." Said by the same professor who told one student, "This is your moment in the sun, but oh look! I've stolen it completely." I'm glad I'm not a professor because I wouldn't want to be a dick.
  
• Some gems from my graduate school research methods professor: "MANOVA board!," "I went to a Halloween party once where someone came dressed as a 2-tailed hypothesis...ok, it was me." I'm glad I'm not a professor because I wouldn't want to be a total nerd (granted, I am already a partial nerd-- the difference is, I can currently function in society).
• "When you eat bread, do you feel lonely?" My professor for Understanding Consumer Behavior uttered this one over his cell phone as he was coming into class one day. He also gave me, "I was carded at 40 years old once...for real." I'm glad I'm not a professor because I wouldn't want to be sad.
  

Memorable hypotheticals, segues, similies, and metaphors I may one day steal for use in everyday conversation:

• "Let's say you're all monkeys in a garage..."
• "Eat like a bird, but poop like an elephant."
• "Crisis plans are like colonoscopies..."
• "I'm sorry to beat a dead horse with sports analogies, but I feel this all leads well into something Robert Frost once said..."

So, what did I learn today?

1. Though I may not have picked the right industry to work in (marketing research), I'm sure glad I didn't become a professor.
2. In this economy, my degrees seem utterly worthless...but if for nothing more than comments like the Robert Frost comment, I'm glad I went to college and grad school.
   

A new kind of recycling that cuts into my Lego time

I just got one of these guys in the mail and have come to the conclusion that the Commonwealth may or may not receive a list of recently laid off folks, using it to send them a Summons for Juror Service.

Top 3 reasons why this is awesome:

• Way to go, MA: you've found a new way to recycle!

• It keeps the unemployed off the streets
• It makes the unemployed feel like they're contributing to society again

Top 3 reasons why this is salt in an open wound:

• When collecting unemployment, any money earned while working part time is subtracted from your weekly unemployment check, providing little to no incentive to have part time work of any kind

• This takes away from my Lego time

• It's for Memorial Day weekend. You're telling me out of all the free time I have, you pick a holiday?! Come on...
  

Where did we go wrong?

I've had a lot of time to think over the past couple days, being between jobs again and all. Looking at my two dogs, I just have to ask myself: Where did we go wrong, Sparki?

Compare:

Emma



Sparki

What to do with old business cards

It looks like I will be able to collect unemployment checks! Still waiting to hear for sure, but the employee on the phone was "pretty sure" I could, and that's enough reason for me to celebrate!

How should I celebrate?

I know! Arts and crafts!
After all, what else am I supposed to do with these old business cards?

The plane

The tower (not my best)
The wall-size inspirational message

The flip book

Something odd I found out while doing my arts & crafts: My name was not on all of the business cards. Some of them, interspersed irregularly throughout the stack, sported by boss's name. Creepy.

Note: I purposefully blurred these (I'm not actually a terrible photographer) because I'm marrying a future lawyer.

What this really means...

I just realized that not having a job presents me with a very serious problem:
When am I going to learn my Italiano!?

I finally got the pox

Remember in grade school when kids in your class started getting the chicken pox? Chicken pox parties weren't all the rage yet, so when this happened in my class, it happened slowly: one kid at a time. Despite best efforts of parents and teachers, however, chicken pox always found a way to it's next victim. I arrived at school every day just to see that another one of my classmates was missing: taken by the pox. One day, I got there and it was me and two other kids. I was beginning to think I would escape the epidemic unscathed when the very next morning, I awoke with the telltale itchy, red bumps...

I found the job I have now during the beginning of the economic crisis. As people left and right fell to lay offs and closings, I somehow remained employed with my, albeit shitty job. Around 10am this morning, however, I got a visit from the one-woman HR department. She came in, closed the door, and pulled up a chair before even saying a word. What the hell did I do now? I thought.

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news..." she started.
Awesome, they're laying me off. I finally got the pox.

As it turns out, the office manager who quit wasn't keeping track of any of the financial records. At all. They thought that, for months now, they were making a profit, when really everything is in red ink. Why they trusted a new employee with all their financials without checking in on that shit every once in a while, I have no idea.

On top of that, all the projects that were coming in when they hired me never came to fruition because instead of conducting research, these companies are going out of business. No clients= no money, and we've heard all that before. The new guys get the boot, and that's me.

What can I say? I can't blame them. I would have fired me when I told them I was looking for another job. At least I got a few bucks out of it. I only hope I can collect unemployment, because I was only there for a little less than three months and I think you have to have been at your place of employment for six...I find out on Thursday.

I just hope this whole thing doesn't leave me with bodily scars, because man, the chicken pox sure did.

My first query letter

I submitted a query letter to my first literary agent! Now I just have to wait 4-6 painfully long weeks to see if they're interested, then I send them my manuscript, and if they like it, they try to get me published! Yippeeeeee!

What's that? What am I talking about?! You forgot I wrote a book, didn't you? Either that or you haven't read this whole blog, and that's just shameful. Perhaps I've been neglectful: Maybe we should discuss that book again, reader.

This is what I told the company that will hopefully want to be my literary agent:

Born from the author’s deadly combination of graduate degree, ten months of soul-searching unemployment, and uniquely funny outlook on life, Between Jobs is the first novel to make the rapidly growing legion of the smart but suddenly unemployed laugh at their unfortunate predicament.

When Pam is fired from her first real job, she thinks it will be all too easy to find a new one; after all, she has a Masters Degree! She soon finds, however, that not only is it much harder than she thought, but that she isn't even sure what she wants to do with her life. Between Jobs is a lemons to lemonade tale that takes us through Pam's brainstorming, handy email networking, amusing experiences with recruiters, socially awkward encounters at parties, unsuccessful interviews, brief foray into temporary work, unclear sense of identity, and temporary loss of hope. The hilarious roller coaster ride of self-discovery continues as Pam is offered a contractor position, accepts it, and falls in love with it, only to be dumped when the contract is over. Defeated, but better for it, Pam decides to write a book about all the funny things that have happened to her while between jobs.

You know you want to read it! That is, when it's published...I'll let you know!