Between Jobs: The Blog

Astrology

2009-11-21T11:33:00.002-05:00

Sometime, when you have a lot of time on your hands, you should look up your astrology profile on something like cafeastrology.com or the like. Or just google "born on _____" (your birthday) like I did.

What comes up are usually sites that supposedly tell you what you are like. Mine, for example, says I'm optimistic and fun-loving, I love to travel, love adventure, am honest and straightforward, am charismatic, and other such gems.

Reading this, it made me wonder: Are there ever astrology messages that say "you're a terrible person and no one likes you"? I don't think there are, really. I'm not saying that the good messages are wrong - mine certainly wasn't. It just makes you go "hmm." It kind of perpetuates jerkdom, if you think about it, because some jerk, also born on my birthday, will read things like "you're charismatic and people like you" and think, "I'm doing something right by being a jerk!" The fact of the matter is, that's just not true.

It makes me wonder if we're all supposed to, on some level, embody some parts of our astrologically estimated personalities and the people who don't have had some bad stuff happen to them in life, or some moon was out of alignment in the year that they were born, or SOMETHING. Or if maybe astrology is all just purposefully vague so that anyone can apply themselves directly to any statement and say "yes, that sounds like me." Or if it's all just more complicated than that. I'll go with the gray area "it's more complicated than that" for 500.

Also, for what it's worth, every 7 years, my birthday falls on the same day people used to kill turkeys and eat them (now we pre-order, of course, and most of us don't own our own birds or livestock). I don't know what that means astrologically, but I call it my Birthgiving (cross between birthday and Thanksgiving, for those of you having trouble following along). And for the record, no, I have never given birth.

Mastering the art of putting plastic on your windows (I know- who has to even do that anymore?! ...me.)

2009-11-19T22:51:00.001-05:00

Purchase the cheapest box of window sealer-upper plastic business you can find, because you're already angry that your windows are original (I'm sorry, authentic), 103 year old character-filled windows and you have to pay for heat and you don't want to pay any more than you have to. (Check Home Depot...in the aisle you wouldn't logically think to look the first 3 times).
Bring said box home and immediately realize that you don't have as much plastic business leftover from last fall/winter/spring (ok, non-summer) as you thought.
Return to Home Depot to purchase more plastic business, still not finding the correct aisle on the first try because in the time that you have gone home and returned, they've changed the location to an end-aisle display next to the air-conditioning units (?!).
At home, now adequately equipped with plastic window kits, begin cleaning the surface around the window to which you will stick the tape and plastic (because you learned that the hard way last time, even though it's true that cleaning crumbling wood can only go so far...but hey, we do our best).
Stick tape to outline of window.
Press down so the tape really really sticks.
Press down again.
Now do it again.
Ok, now you're ready. Remove the backing from the tape on the top of the window.
Place the plastic where you want it to go and start pressing down, fully prepared for it to go not at all where you want it to go and to get all bunched up despite your most careful preparations.
Repeat previous step with sides and bottom of window.
Get out your hairdryer and start the shrink-by-heat process, starting in the middle of the window.
Reach the edges of the window and watch in utter horror as the plastic, shrunk too much in the middle and now without give around the sides, pulls the tape right off your windows.
Curse the windows and remember that you have to start with the edges (where the tape is) when initiating the shrink-by-heat process.
Patch up window #1 with packing tape and move on to the next window, remembering to start with the edges when hair-dryer-ing it.
Reach the end of the process with window #2, only to once again, watch in horror as the plastic pulls away, seemingly inexplicably, from the window.
Curse the bottom of the window and remember that you have to put two layers of tape on the bottom, just because that's the way it's gotta be. Not that they tell you this in the directions, but you remember doing it last time.
Patch up window #2 with packing tape (it's an attractive decorating theme) and move on to the next window, remembering to start with the edges and to double up on the tape for the bottom layer.
Curse and patch up an entire room full of windows only to remember that you have to press down on the edges where the plastic meets the tape immediately after hair-dryer-ing each section, thus ensuring the desired, long-term stickage.
Finally, in a room that does not matter aesthetically because it is your bedroom and guests will not see it nor admire its lack of packing tape decor, complete your first error-free, completely sealed window.
Repeat for entire room full of windows.

Happy Plastic Season.

Happy Election Day

2009-11-03T08:03:00.002-05:00

Happy election day everyone! Don't forget to go out and vote!

And for those of you who try to do your research before you vote, please, do take this campaign song into account:

Yes: this is a real campaign.
Yes: I may be voting for this man. For you out of staters: Don't you wish you lived here so you could vote for him too? Answer: Yes, yes you do.
Yes: You will have a better day with this song in your head for the entire day.

Jess passed the bar!

2009-10-28T21:59:00.003-04:00

Jess passed the bar! Oh, you can read and you saw that in the title? Great, well, good for you! Shoot, you must have passed the bar too, with brains like that.

It's no small feat to pass the Massachusetts bar exam, but she did it on the first attempt and now she's a lawyer!

Hopefully, this will be the key that unlocks the ultimate job potential for her, because she definitely deserves it.

And I'm still job speed dating.

Let me back up my train of thought for you...
Jess passed the BAR. And we're celebrating with champagne and such...almost like we're at a BAR...and we're both looking for jobs...imagine if looking for a job was like going out at a bar or club to meet someone?! That would be ridiculous, and yet on top of being relieved that job searches aren't actually like that, why am I also somewhat dismayed...disappointed, even? I'll tell you why: Because deep down, we all know that sitting across the table from a potential employer, discussing your likes and dislikes and what is important to you in an employment relationship, OVER HOT TODDYS, would be fun. Maybe now I understand what it was like trying to get a job in the '60's (as a dude of course), Don Draper style, with all the drinking and socializing in what appears to be a relatively workless environment. Or maybe I watch too much Mad Men.

The JP Lantern Parade

2009-10-27T11:26:00.004-04:00

We attended the Lantern Parade at Jamaica Pond this past weekend. Apparently, it's something that was started in 1984 by Spontaneous Celebrations. It has roots in both Japanese and Dutch traditions of lantern making and general autumn merriment. I would also venture a guess that it has something to do with the general Celtic and/or pagan symbolism of collectively and individually taking the light of summer into the darkness of winter. They used bonfires for such activity, but that's just not safe in a city, and certainly not kid-friendly (which the lantern parade is...whether it's adult friendly is still up for debate as my ovaries shriveled up several times).

But, nevertheless, the sunset and the lanterns were beautiful, as always, and the apple cider was delicious! Oh! And Jess found $10! NO, really!

And now, appropriately, I am going to watch Halloween 3. I can already tell it's going to be a masterpiece, but I'm willing to endure scads of incorrect information and a few low-budget special effects and bad acting just because it's that time of year. And because I have my Baby Ruths.

Funny Stuff to Read While Bored at Work

2009-10-21T17:10:00.003-04:00

Hey, check out the top right of the blog.
Cool. Didn't know if you saw it on your own, so I thought I'd help you out. It's funny stuff to read while you're bored at work, the "blog" where I post short stories that I've written! Comments and feedback are welcome! Also, I plan on posting my funny novel on there at some point, too, so be on the lookout!

Disclaimer: If you're caught laughing (which you will be), blame it on the K cups.

I've missed you, blog!

2009-08-17T13:05:00.008-04:00

Last week was quite a week!

We spent the first half in PTown...
...and the second half at Seneca winery hopping and bridal shower #2 in NY.

To sum it all up, PTown was beach, friends, sun, shopping, karaoke, drinks, gay!, a bad show that purported to be funny but was in fact bizarre, and singing like a lounge singer with a lounge singer (perhaps more on this later). Binghamton was family fun, winery-tastic, BBQ, spiedies, trips to Wegman's, laughing, drinks, surprise photo shoot, and a gift-opening good time. Through all of it, I've missed you! Here's a puzzle to say, "let's never go a week without each other again!"

I think we need to set up an intervention for Sparki...

We're on our honeymoon. And so are you.

2009-10-20T21:37:00.003-04:00

When Jess and I were on our honeymoon, any thoughts or feelings related to our unemployment were completely drowned by the deliciousness of Sonoma Valley wines and left at the bottom of one of the many San Francisco hills. Instead, we were rightfully and blissfully focused on being honeymooners.

At each winery we went to, we tasted amazing wines. I took about a thousand pictures and made Jess take a video with our new Flip camera. I couldn't take pictures and videos simultaneously, so Jess was the obvious candidate for H-moon Videographer. Plus, the one time I did take a video myself, it was at a gas station. Jess was cleaning up the gas she spilled on her toe, and I wanted to point out the horses that were across the parking lot. I went on about the horses...and you couldn't even see them on the video. Then I almost got hit by a MAC truck, so there was running and a lot of out-of-focus-ery that made for a good ol' queasy time.

(Side note: To anyone considering buying a Flip: Files are in mp4 format and you can't burn your own DVDs. Screw you, Flip people! Why can't I have the rights to something I filmed myself? Why do I have to pay $20 for you to burn me a DVD? Please tell me that comes with a side of fries at least! I will have you know, however, that the Flip was fun during the honeymoon, and it was cool to hook it up to a high def TV and watch the videos post-H moon.)

As the trip progressed, Jess grew tired of me always saying "ooo! take a veeedeo!" and pulling on her sleeve. Especially when I did it every time our food came when we were out to eat. I ask her to take a video and as she did, I would eat. There are a lot of videos of me eating. What a jerk.

Anyway, at each winery, we soon discovered that telling folks we were on our honeymoon often resulted in generously waived tasting fees, and in one case at Cline Cellars, a good-hearted gift of a free bottle of zinfandel. It was spectacular. It got to the point where, towards the end of the trip, we were at a winery (I won't name any names...*Ravenswood* cough cough), told them we were on our honeymoon, they didn't give us the H-moon discount, and we were disappointed.

My point is this: If you're unemployed and you have a friend, there is a chance that you too can benefit from the H-moon discount. If you were recently married, that's an added bonus, but if not, grab that friend and head to the store or the circus or the fair or a car dealership or somewhere! Why? Because you're on your honeymoon. And you should get a discount. Unless you're at Ravenswood.

September Poll Results are in...

2009-10-13T11:05:00.003-04:00

...and the verdict is: You hate most of these songs. Good for you! Way to break free!

I developed a complicated (not really) scale and awesome (to me) scoring system where all the "love its" got 4 points, the "tolerate its" got 3, the "hate its" got 2 points, and the "never heard its" got 1 point each. Then I added up each song's "score." Then based on the scale I developed for what each score means (I can't tell you how I did it...it's magic...magic that makes you fall asleep), I determined that you, as a collective:

Hate the Chicken Dance, Cha Cha Slide, Cotton-Eyed Joe, Macarena, and the Hokey Pokey
Tolerate the Electric Slide and the YMCA
Don't know Strokin' (neither do I ....thanks "The Knot" for putting a totally made up song on your "must play" list)

The one song that had incredibly interesting results: the YMCA. You all know the song, and 2 of you tolerate it. The rest of you are almost equally split between love it and hate it. Clearly a love/hate relationship going on there. Makes me wonder if those of you who hate it really do love it deep down. I know I couldn't decide, and I knew the answer wasn't going to be tolerate it. Huh.

And no, none of these were played at my and Jess's wedding. In fact, they were all on the "do not play" list (except for the YMCA. We had a special agreement with the DJ that if people kept on requesting this type of song, then she could play the YMCA as a sort of concession. Why the Y? Because it's the one we dislike the least -- AND because we were once the Village People for Halloween with some friends:

As you can see, I was the construction worker. My hat, which was made of the most flimsy hat-able material known to man, was labeled "hard hat." How do you top that? [see this month's poll].
Anyway, it didn't matter because much like you guys, no one requested these songs, which was just fantastic for us).

Mid-Month Puzzle: Be the Iguana

2009-09-18T10:51:00.003-04:00

I just realized how unbelievably overdue we are for a mid-month puzzle!

Things have been stressful here at wedding planning central, and so for this month's puzzle, I chose a sort of "serenity now" image. Imagine you are this iguana, basking in the sun near the beach on Isla Mujeres, Mexico. You hear the surf pounding onto the shore, then receding in rhythmic tides. There are no clouds, but the sun is not oppressively warm. There is a light ocean breeze. You are full from your lunch and feel the light effects of the margarita you stole from some poor tourist that was only trying to take a picture of you. You smile your tiny little iguana smile, remembering how they jumped. Sighing, you sink into more of an iguana stillness and drift into a trance-like state where you are half asleep, half awake. Life is good, and today is a beautiful day.

Shades of Badness

2009-09-11T23:41:00.007-04:00

My fiancee and I just watched "Shades of Darkness."

Before you view the trailer, please, read the reviews here or here. Do rent it on Netflix or, more likely, from your local run down video store in upstate NY, where the movie was filmed. It's definitely worth it. Without further delay, the trailer:

This horror movie, that Jess was actually in (sort of, but not really--she's on the cutting room floor, dressed as not a "zombie," but a "person filled with hate"...but her friends are in it, and so is her dance teacher[as the main character]), was so bad that it was good. By that I mean that I laughed so hard at the special effects and such that it became more like Mystery Science Theatre 3000 (here's an example) than an actual movie of its own merits. I loved it. It brought me back to the reason I started making fun of low-budge horror movies in the first place.

But then, in the haze of a post-laughter sigh, I started thinking: If this movie was actually made, the director/writer/producer/whatever had to have thought it was good. It had to have passed the screen of his family and close friends, who all told him it was wonderful. He had to have still thought it was good (or, at the very least, passable) through the making of the movie and through the special showing at "some random theater in Endicott, NY" (according to my fiancee). Through it all, there were people by his side saying, "yeah man, I'd wanna buy this DVD" and the like.

Such comments make a person actually believe their work is great. Then I wondered -- if for just the briefest of the boxer briefy moments -- if my writing, my book, was actually any good. If I would someday self-publish the novel equivalent of "Shades of Darkness." I shuddered.

Then I looked at the trailer again.

My non-marketable skills

2009-09-09T23:21:00.004-04:00

I was just hanging out with some friends, eating a delicious Moosewood recipe pound cake, when I realized I make a lot of sound effects. This was brought to my attention by one of my friends with the 'just observing' statement, "you're always ready with the sound effects." I have always secretly wished that I could market my sound effects skills. I could attend your family gathering, and, as someone asks you to pass the gravy, I could either give the play by play ("the gravy is crossing the middle of the table, and OOP! Aunt Cathy spilled a little!") or I could just add some nice, ambient, interpretive sounds (insert airplane noises or futuristic space zooming noise). Somewhere out there, there is someone who will pay for this. And I'm a top notch sound effects-ian, so I will accept no less than $20/hr. I'm worth it!

Another skill this made me think of that I wish was worth some money: My ability to communicate via nonverbals, such as the nod, the slight head cock, the puzzled look, the look of complete astonishment - I've got them all mastered. In college, my roommate and I would be eating dinner (often I would be eating one of my three rotating dishes- pasta, grilled chicken, or steak- and she would be dining on the disgusting mac and cheese with ketchup. I swear, you can tell a lot about a person by their culinary plans for ketchup... I digress). We'd be eating dinner and she would be telling me about her day or her most recent crew practice or what have you, and I would be interacting with her completely...in nonverbals. The best part? She would understand me! Never did she ask me for clarification on my look of complete outrage or my famous look that signaled, "tell me more about that." There are people that communicate in words that can't guarantee that kind of understanding! Someone out there would purchase this skill. Maybe I could teach a class on it or something. "How to communicate without saying anything in words but by using your face." I like it. $20/hr please. I'm giving you a look right now that says, "fork it over!" in a nice, non-threatening but meaningful kind of way. You'd know this if you took my class.

Box Head

2009-09-04T18:05:00.001-04:00

Pretty sure I overheard Jess say to her sister over the phone last night: "Remember when we painted the basement purple?" I've been searching all day for such a memory. It troubles me that I wasn't naughtier. I was an only child, though, so if I had been more disobedient, I wouldn't have been able to blame anyone else. Plus, even if I did remember some mischievous deed of yesteryear, to whom would I turn and say, "remember when?"; my stuffed animals?

So instead, I remembered all the strange little things I used to do to amuse myself (and the occasional others). My favorite one that I conjured up from the past? Box Head. One of my more famous deeds, I would put an empty happy meal box on my head and prance around with a baton announcing that I was Box Head. Supplement your visual with the fact that I would usually only wear my blue Mickey Mouse crew neck sweatshirt, white socks, and underpants. Nope, no pants. You're welcome.

August "Allele Poll" results are in

2009-08-31T15:27:00.003-04:00

Ok, let's start with the results that were not in the least bit surprising:

All of you who voted can roll your tongue into a "U" shape. This is the dominant trait, and it's apparently rampant in the population of people who enjoy this blog.

All but one of you who voted have detached ear lobes. This is also the dominant trait. Person with attached ear lobes: I have nothing to say to you.

Half of you have facial dimples and half of you do not. Having facial dimples is the dominant trait, therefore dimply people like myself are better than you non-dimplies.

Now onto the more surprising results:

2 of you are ambidextrous. Really? Can you also write with your feet? Only one of you, in comparison, is left-handed. The rest of you are right-handed, which is the "dominant trait" (though it's since been pointed out that there's a right-handed shift in the population -- which is why you 2 ambidextrous people are probably not actually ambidextrous and only chose that because you were enchanted with my description: ).

Only 3 of you report NOT having a hitchhiker's thumb. The majority of you do have a thumb that curves when you give the thumbs up, but that's the recessive trait. Huh. Maybe that's something that's distinctive about people who enjoy this blog. Maybe I should re-title it the "Hitchhiker's Thumb Blog." Maybe I should try hitchhiking. Why is it called the hitchhiker's thumb, anyway? It's not like if you stick your thumb out like that for prolonged periods of time, like a hitchhiker would, that you will develop such a thumb. Although, if you had a weird thumb like that, maybe it would get the attention of more drivers. They would be more likely to stop for you just to ask you about your bizarre thumb. But that would only really be an evolutionary benefit if like, the entire population had to hitchhike to survive at some point, therefore passing on the weird thumb genes. BUT THEN if the weird hitchhiker thumb was passed on so much that it began to thrive and become the norm, then it wouldn't be weird and drivers would start stopping for people with straight thumbs... should I be concerned that I'm starting to smell burnt toast right now?

And finally, all but three of you CAN SMELL ASPARAGUS PEE!! Why, then, am I faced with so many questioning looks when I say "I hate the smell of asparagus pee!" in mixed company?! If most of you can smell it, then please, next time I mention it, don't look at me like I've said something like, "I went to the hairdresser's and requested a Detroit!" All I ask is that you stand tall.

Oh and in case you're wondering, here's more on asparagus pee (the ability to smell it, the ability to produce it, and why it's probably your genes and a digestive enzyme that are the culprits):

The good news is that asparagus does not affect everyone. Studies conducted on the "asparagus urine" phenomenon (aren't you glad you didn't volunteer!) indicate that roughly 40 to 50 percent of those tested developed the distinctive odor. Surprisingly enough, there is also a segment of the population who cannot smell the sulphurous fumes of asparagus-laced urine. It is believed that both the generation of the odoriferous urine and the ability to smell it are based on genetics. Only those with a certain gene can break down the chemicals inside the asparagus into their smelly components, and only those with the proper gene can smell the results of that chemical breakdown.

Scientists are still not entirely sure which set of chemical compounds contained in asparagus actually cause the smelly pee. The stalks themselves do not acquire a similar odor as they are prepared, so whatever happens most likely happens after ingestion. Experts believe that those with a certain gene produce a digestive enzyme which breaks down the asparagus into various chemical compounds. One of those compounds is called methyl mercaptan, which is the same chemical which gives a skunk its defensive smell. One theory suggests that asparagus breaks down quickly in the body and an enzyme releases methyl mercaptan, which eventually goes through the kidneys and is excreted as a waste product in the urine.

Others suggest that the asparagus smell is created by other chemical compounds called thioesters. There is also a compound called asparagusic acid, which is not surprisingly found primarily in asparagus. If these compounds are broken down and mixed with the genetically-created enzyme, the results could be a strong smelling urine. This smell is actually considered to be good news, since it proves that the asparagus eater's kidneys are functioning as they should.

(Thank you, wisegeek.com)

Put your hands up for Detroit

2009-08-28T14:26:00.003-04:00

My most recent Google image search: Detroit hair cut

Back story: Over the weekend of our bridal shower in NY, after things had petered out and it was just me, Jess, and our respective parents, my Dad was addressing the group. We were on the topic of hairstyles, and he was telling us how he went to get his hair cut just the other day. He said he jokingly asked for a "butch," which, after our shower of confused looks, my Dad clarified that this meant a military-esque, flat top sort of do. Crowd: "Ohhhh." Now that we were on board, he decided to continue onto joke #2, which was, "I asked her if she could give me a Detroit, and she didn't even know what it was!" Us: Giggling, but not entirely sure what he was talking about. He wasn't getting the reception that he expected, and asked us if we knew what a Detroit was. We shook our collective head sheepishly. He threw his hands up in astonishment, then proceeded to explain what a Detroit hair cut is.

The inspiration for my search: Apparently, it's a men's haircut wherein the top is cut short and spiked and the sides are left long. Not mullet long, just long enough to slick back. Classy, right? Of course, I had to find a picture of this monstrosity in all its glory.

The result: I was, however, unsuccessful. All searches for this hairstyle (which included Detroit hair, mens Detroit, mens Detroit hair, spiked mullet, slicked spiked hair, etc.) came up surprisingly empty. But that wasn't even the real surprise. The real surprise was the number of times my searches landed me on the Detroit Hair Wars.

Obvious revised search: Detroit Hair Wars

Result:

(from www.hairsite.com)

Annual Detroit Hair Wars
July 19, 2009
email hairsite@aol.com for details

This all started in Detroit over 20 years ago. Back in 1985, Hair Wars was started in Detroit nightclubs as a stage show for local hairstylists to showcase their craftsmanship. This idea was conceptualized by DJ David Humphries, aka "Hump The Grinder". Since then, Hair Wars turned into an annual phenomenon in the hair styling industry.

I'm sorry, "aka 'Hump the Grinder'"?

Final search: Duh, "Hump the Grinder"

Result: There are no words...

The Boy and the Rubber Chicken

2009-08-23T10:58:00.006-04:00

Three nights ago, Jess and I went out with our friend Erica to the comedy show at the Hong Kong in Cambridge. No, amazingly, we did not have a scorpion bowl and thus did not end the evening passed out in a pool of each other's vomit. On the way there, however, I was mentally preparing myself for that very scenario. Why? Because every time I hear someone talking about their night at the Hong Kong, their story always begins with, "Oh my God I went to the Hong Kong last night," continues with, "and I had a scorpion bowl," and inevitably ends with, "and then I got soooooo sick!" It's as if these scorpion bowls are stronger than one might realize as one is drinking it. Either that or it's the vegetable tempura, that likely side dish accompanying the scorpion bowl. Or they're poisoned. Anyway, I was ready for the Hong Kong and its scorpion bowl challenge, but seeing as we were only three people, it would have been seriously unreasonable for us to order a scorpion bowl. Mind preparation and mix of excitement and dread: All for nothing.

For the most part, the comedy show was pretty funny. There was, however, this one comedian who was really into metal and had based his entire routine on metal references. This was really poorly thought out, as our 1/2 local and 1/2 tourist audience had no idea what he was talking about. Other acts, however, were quite funny. Though no one asked me what I did for a living, like when we went to the Improv Asylum, someone did come on stage and immediately say he was unemployed. I filed away my temporary aspirations to develop my own stand up routine after that.

Anyway, my whole point in bringing up this story was for none of the above information. It was, in fact, to tell you about the little boy and his rubber chicken. While we were walking to the T after the show, Jess and Erica were chatting. I was walking alongside them, not really paying attention to what they were talking about because something had caught my attention. On the side of the road there was a woman yelling, "Get over here and don't you EVER do that again!" By her side was an "I told you so" sister and an embarrassed father. (I'm of course assuming the relationships here, but it seemed all too obvious at the time). A few seconds later, a boy holding something, I couldn't yet make out what, zoomed down the sidewalk and into my view. He seemed excited, nay, exhilarated, and wore a smile so face-consuming that I found myself smiling too, as if we had been in cahoots on his unknown mischievous deed.

As he got closer, I saw what he was holding: A rubber chicken. A true Fozzie style rubber chicken. Wokka wokka! I giggled, and Jess and Erica took a moment to look at me funny.

I saw him approach his mother and his exuberant smile sadly faded as she began to scold him. We passed the scene and continued on to the T, and the boy with the rubber chicken's tongue lashing was soon out of earshot.

I mentally reviewed the scene and had so many questions: What had he done that his mother deemed so terrible that he must never do it again? How had she even seen him do whatever he did when he was so far down the street? Had the sister told on him? Why was he so excited? Did any of this have to do with the rubber chicken?

I hope it had everything to do with the rubber chicken.

I don't know why I told you this story.

Lounge Singer

2009-08-19T13:42:00.003-04:00

So, more on that lounge singer comment from Monday...

Yes. I sang in a hotel/restaurant bar area (capacity: no more than 35 people) one night in P-Town. Debra & Patrick were playing and they were wonderful: She was singing all sorts of stuff as he accompanied her on piano. From blues to jazz to modern music to country...they were excellent and she had a seriously great voice!

Sidebar: Her voice and his playing were welcome to us both, especially after the incredibly bizarre show we saw before that at Vixen. A purported comedy, at one point it featured a 'pervy Jethro Tull meets Midsummer Night's Dream meets holy puce leotard' one man act that cannot adequately be described in words. (There was also a shirtles man wearing horns and hot pink fur chaps who tap danced rather femininely...with giant fake balls dangling off his backside. That was the highlight).

Anyway, Debra and Patrick were performing a romantic Billie Holiday song when we sat down and ordered out first glass of wine. A couple glasses later, they took a break and Debra walked around to say hello to her friends in the audience. She came over to our table and not two sentences in, Jess said, "You know, Pam sings" and Debra said, "Oh yeah honey? What do you sing?" I explained that I sang the kind of stuff that she sings, especially the jazz stuff. (As you can see, I was fantastically articulate). Then she asked me what specific song would I like to sing, I said "Stormy Weather," and she said she might call me up to sing with her. With her, mind you. She was really good, and her impromptu duets so far had made her duet partner look really good. I was excited.

She went back to singing (one song was "What a Wonderful World" and she did that growly voice that sounded JUST like Louis Armstrong), and about 5 songs later, she called me up...TO SING BY MYSELF! She announched that her new friend Pam was going to come sing a solo, that she hoped I could actually sing (because she didn't know me from Adam...or Eve?...anyway...), and told me to tell Patrick my key. I didn't know my key. I guessed Ab, then added "whatever key she would do it in is probably fine." I think I lost a little credibility for Patrick at that point, but he smiled and I went back to the front where Debra was waiting with the lipstick-covered mic. She handed it to me and said, "I'll be here if you need me." Luckily, I was half way drunk so I didn't pee my pants.

I started singing and it actually came easier than I thought. I hardly looked away from Jess, my anchor in the audience for 99% of the song, and got through it. I wish I had noticed the lipstick marks on the mic sooner than in hindsight, because apparently, Debra eats the mic while she sings. That must be why you couldn't really hear me on the softer stuff, but oh well! I was loud and clear on the beginning of each verse, so I guess that was something. Plus, there were cheers and genuine claps at the end, so I think I did a good job! And it was so much fun!

For a split second when I was falling asleep that night (an hour later), I considered a career in lounge singing. Then I passed out.

My shark week

2009-08-07T10:32:00.003-04:00

First of all, let me start by saying this post could never be as cool as the real shark week. But, here are the best shark videos I could find on YouTube, and I hope they serve as a nice little supplement to Discovery's shark week. Why? Because this year's shark week is a little, dare I say, disappointing. It's mostly attacks, and less of the "Oooo I didn't know that!" effect that usually came with every special. Maybe it's because I've seen so many shark weeks. Maybe it's because scientists have told us all they know (these shows are always accompanied by the line "and yet we know so little about these awesome and mystifying predators"), but that's something I highly doubt. It's probably more like they've told us all they think we'd watch and understand, and this week's selling point is attacks. Well, after a few attacks, I'm all set with blood and guts, thank you very much. SO, here's a little something different for those of us who are curious. (What kills me is that a lot of these are Discovery videos -- show these on shark week, sillies!)

Why doesn't anyone focus on different shark species? Great whites (and now tiger sharks and bulls sharks, sometimes with the occasional lemon shark) are always the focus. Here's the hammerhead. Guaranteed "oo I didn't know that" effect from this video.

And the whale shark:

The 6-gill:

And a bizarre, prehistoric but apparently still living shark that lives off the coast of Japan:

And now for the shark vs____ section.

There was once a show that has since been canceled (because I alone cannot support it, apparently) called "Animal Face-Off." It was on discovery, and scientists would compare 2 animals that may or may not meet normally (most often predators). They would study the animals and try to scientifically determine who would win in a direct face off between them. Then they'd produce a computerized reenactment-- here's shark vs. crocodile (and the end is in spanish, so get babelfish translator ready):

This one has the "ohhh not the poor birdie!" effect, but the end leaves you with a little bit of hope:

Tiger shark vs. turtle (no attack footage for those of you with more tender tummies):

And finally, the winner for the most "WHOOOAAA ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" YouTube shark video is....
....SHARK VS OCTOPUS:

Since it's shark week...

2009-08-05T15:44:00.002-04:00

...I thought I'd provide you with a little shark scrambler!
Click here and go to the middle of the page - then hit scramble and let the fun begin.

What happened to good jingles?

2009-08-04T12:05:00.002-04:00

I was just watching the Colbert Report and there was a commercial for the Education Connection on:

It was like a train wreck in that despite how awful it was, I just couldn't take my eyes off of it. When it was over and I came to, the full extent of how bad it was hit me all at once, and I mourned the simple jingles that seem to have fallen at the hand of these "freecreditreport.com-like" full 30-second songs.

And I ask you, are these new songs as memorable as, say, "I am stuck on Band-Aid Brand cuz germs don't stick on me"? Or "my bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R...." or even just the simple, "chicken of the sea"? I think not. These new songs can't possibly get stuck in your head (ok, some of the freecreditreport.com ones are catchy) because you can't learn the words in one sitting. They're just not ear worms, like jingles are. They're also too long, especially in this one's case. I mean, "two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun" (ba dop bop bop bahhnw, I'm lovin' it) is one thing because it's catchy and you hear it all the time. But to remember this whole song from a commercial that doesn't get a whole lot of air time (so you aren't seeing it nearly as much as the Mc D's one) would just be savant-ish.

So is the moral of this post that I miss catchy jingles? You bet your sweet Aspercreme.

"2 Truths and a Lie" July poll results

2009-07-31T11:03:00.002-04:00

So, I told you 5 things about me in my poll this month. 4 were true, but 1 was a lie. You were charged with deciding which was the lie. Your choices?

One of my summer jobs was stuffing junk mail, and 1 summer wasn't enough: I did it for 2 summers in a row.
If I was offered a job making candles tomorrow, I would take it, and I would be excited about it.
Though marketing research has turned out to be my career field, I actually graduated with a B.A. in Advertising.
It has always been a secret dream of mine to live and work on a farm.
At one time, it was my ultimate goal to become a meteorologist for The Weather Channel.
I have been a telemarketer and a vacuum salesperson. I didn't sell anything in either line of work.

Many of you were incorrect! Hahaha, I've fooled you!

2 of you thought that the lie was"If I was offered a job making candles tomorrow, I would take it, and I would be excited about it." Untrue, my friends! I actually applied to a candle-making position that I saw on Craigs List. (I believe part of my cover letter went something like this: "I would love to bring my skills, my desire to learn more about candle making, my work ethic, and my positive attitude to your company and to this position.") Didn't even get a response, though. Sad. I really would have been excited about candle making! In case you want to go back and check, there weren't any clues in past blog posts about this one. I couldn't make it THAT easy, now could I?
Another 2 of you thought it was "It has always been a secret dream of mine to live and work on a farm." Ennnnnnnht! I've always thought living on a farm would be cool, working with my hands in the outdoors with nature and animals and what not a tangible, rewarding experience. No clues about this one in past posts either, but you could have used the standardized test taking technique where you rule certain things out based on how similar they are. Ex. Candle making = working with my hands, a more hands-on job. Working on a farm = also a hands-on position. You know I love animals (at the very least, I love dogs - here are all the posts about my little doofuses), so you could have reasoned that the secret desire to work a farm gig wasn't a lie. By its similarity, you might have been able to rule out the candle-maker gig as a lie also. But did you? No. That's ok, though, I mean, don't feel bad or anything. This won't count on your permanent record, and it's not like the bar exam or anything. You're still walking out of here with what you came in with...I mean, unless you put money on it. Then I can't help you.
1 of you said that "I have been a telemarketer and a vacuum salesperson. I didn't sell anything in either line of work." was the lie. Not the case, and I even have a post to back this one up. Here is my vacuum salesperson story. What you didn't get from that post was that I was a telemarketer earlier that same summer. I was sort of fundraising for this Police Athletic League event, and had to call local businesses to ask for their donation. None of them donated anything. Not a cent! Thinking I would be better at selling tangibles, I moved to the vacuum business. In neither position did I sell anything, though.

More than half of you (6/11), though, guessed correctly (ok, ok, or you knew the answer): Though marketing research has turned out to be my career field, I actually graduated with a B.A. in Advertising.
Nope! Got my B.A. in Psychology. Woo!

Thanks for voting-- Don't forget to vote in August!

THE BAR

2009-07-29T09:02:00.002-04:00

Good luck to my fiancee and all the other zillions of folks (but mostly my fiancee) taking the Massachusetts bar today! And tomorrow! See you at the bar after the bar!

Speaking of the hardest test you've ever taken in your entire life, I am reminded of Mrs. Bachman, my high school chemistry teacher. She used to make up 3 or sometimes 4 different versions (color-coded and nicknamed after an element on the periodic table) of tests based on where you sat in the room. Those were the most extreme measures I think a teacher ever went to to see that there wasn't any cheating. Oh Mrs. Bachman.

Obviously, that's nothing compared to the measures the bar folks are taking. Each person is allowed a gallon size, clear plastic bag containing a short list of outlined items (like pencils, clear containers for your lunch if you're bringing one, tissues, your wallet, your house keys, and such). And ladies, if you're at that time of the month, that means your feminine products will be out there in plain sight for everyone to see -- and inspect, if necessary, since they go through your gallon bag upon entry to the test. Each test-taker has to have a completely clear water bottle, and they aren't allowed to bring their cell phones, wear hoods or bring umbrellas. What if it rains, bar testing people? What then? You'll have a bunch of unhappy, stressed out, and now wet test takers on your hands, that's what. Have fun grading 10 drippy essays from each person.

I'm not even taking the bar and I'm psyched for it to be over. Jess will be done with the hardest exam of her life, and that's quite an accomplishment! It'll be November before we know if she's passed, but that's alright.

I'm also excited because she'll start acting like normal Jess again in that she'll probably stop seeing everything through the Law Lens. I can't even imagine the volume of law crap that is in that head of hers. Some of it has spilled onto topics way outside the law - like our dogs. It was actually brought up recently that if Emma were to enter a contract and she was worried (within reason) that the other person wasn't going to go through with their end of the bargain, she could ask for further assurances. But then, Emma's a dog and not a person, so the contract isn't likely to be honored or valid in the first place. WOW. That was unprompted, and over breakfast.

Also, I hear after leaving the exam, everything just floats out of the test taker's head. They have been stuffing so much information from so many varied topics of law into their head, that after finally dumping it out on test day(s), it is flushed out of the system immediately. One person said they forgot 25% of what they learned for the exam right after they walked out the door. That's crazy! But good: Jess had expressed concern that her memories were being replaced one by one with law. Maybe after the exam, those memories will come back. I can see it now, we'll just be sitting there, staring into space after she detoxes from the exam (and from the post-bar bar Thursday night), and she'll say something like, "oh, I remember the 6th grade science fair again!"

Also, starting on Friday, Jess and I will be two unemployeds searching for jobs and doing funemployment stuff together! Wheeeee!

Stages of Unemployment

2009-07-28T10:11:00.004-04:00

I went to the dog park yesterday with Emma and we were both pleasantly surprised. It was the middle of a weekday, so most of the folks there with their K9 pals were unemployed, just like me! As Emma romped happily among her kind, I excitedly introduced myself to mine.

After a few minutes, a twinkling little insight began to grow as I realized I could tell what stage of unemployment each unemployed person was currently experiencing, and thus, how long they had been unemployed. Observe:

Stage one: unemployed for up to 2 weeks
Internal panic. Disbelief. Denial.
I introduced myself to a woman who, under normal circumstances I'm sure was actually quite confident and competent, but at the dog park and recently unemployed, she had crumbled. Feelings of shame and the worry that I would figure her out for what she was (unemployed) lit up her face like beacons in a storm. Our conversation was something like "Hi I'm Pam, I hear you're from JP also?" Her: "Yes." Then she just kind of shuffled her feet, agonizing over whether I'd ask her what she did for a living or not.

Stage two: unemployed for 2 weeks to 2 months or so
Acceptance of situation. Inevitable depression.
Obviously, these people were not at the dog park; they were too depressed about their situation that they couldn't even get out and enjoy a nice day yet. Maybe I'll see them in a month or so...

Stage three: unemployed for 2-6 months
Aggressive job hunting.
These folks go to the dog park to network. They bring business cards they have designed and printed themselves. They dress like they are professionals on their way to work. Their #1 goal right now is to get a job, and they believe (for their sanity's sake) that they will get one soon. Stage 3s are sometimes beneficial to unemployeds in stages 1, 2, or 4 in that they do so much networking and job searching that they find jobs that don't work for them, but might work for another unemployed. And, at places like the dog park, they pass those opportunities along as they eagerly collect your email and resume.

Stage four: unemployed for 6 months or more
Total acceptance. Completely able to be funemployed. Where I am now.
There were a few of these stage 4s at the park yesterday. They were the ones eagerly talking to other people (but not busting out business cards), smiling and laughing at their dog's playful tongue lolling out of its head at a 45 degree angle, throwing a tennis ball joyously for their dog and even for someone else's dog, etc. Stage 4s are in an ok place about being unemployed. They know they'll get a job eventually, but they're no longer putting all of their eggs in the job search basket. Stage 4s are easily confused with self-employed folks or contractors, as they also have a strong sense of identity and freedom. Also, stage 4s can go through relapses, back to stages 3 or even 2. So that can get tricky and may throw off your estimate of how long the unemployed in question has been unemployed.

Of course, time frames vary for each person as they go through the stages (of unemployment, which are remarkably similar to the stages of grief, I might add). But the general gist is the same. After stage 4, some people even reach a stage 5. Well, there's like a 5a and 5b. 5a is the people who no longer care and embrace unemployment, stop looking for jobs all together, totally give up, etc. This actually may happen directly after stage 2. Stage 5b is the people who say, you know what, I'm going to start my own business.

Memory Monday: Junk Mail

2009-07-27T12:12:00.004-04:00

My very first job was my summer job at age 15. I count this as my first job because a) taxes were taken out of my paycheck, and b) the tasks for which I was held responsible included more than say, weeding, watering plants, doing dishes, dusting, arranging the curtains in the living room (it was a bigger task than you would think), and washing the cars. The tasks for which my 15 year old self was held responsible included inserting several different types of paper into the folding machine, then stuffing them into envelopes. And what was the result? Was I doing this to help some worthy company work toward some lofty goal? Was this mail serving a good purpose, assuming it had a purpose at all? The answer, sadly, is no. The result was heaping stacks of junk mail. Mail so worthless that its inevitable destiny is to be ripped in half on sight and immediately thrown away.

It was hard to get into this job. My other 15 and 16 year old friends (the latter having their licenses) worked at places like the Gap or Johnny's (ice cream and burgers and such) or at a summer camp. They didn't understand how I got stuck stuffing junk mail, and I didn't either. Their jobs provided friends with discounts, free food, or at least some outdoor fun. My job provided nothing to my friends. For me, it provided an intense dislike for "Light 100.5 WRCH New Britain - Hartford!" and required that I wear pants and a sweater to the office, where it was kept at approximately 58 degrees at all times.

My one silver lining? I got to look at several people's last names, and, making my own fun, I would always pick out the weirdest of the bunch. I wish I could remember some! All I can tell you is that the ultimate winner's last name was a complete mouthful and likely did not fit on standardized government forms. I think they made it up.

On a totally different note, this just proves the whole thing about archaeology being a cool job. Discovery even copied my "cool jobs" idea.

Happy birthday to one of my favorite coworkers

2009-07-26T08:19:00.004-04:00

SPARKI

He's 15 in human years today! What a trooper! He could have retired by now, but he loves his job so much that he decided not to. Here he is getting one of his great ideas at his desk:Always the first to volunteer to drive on a business trip, he is the definitive team player.He's a wily old fellow, too, as we told him to lay off the coffee, but he always finds a way to get that half-full cup out of the garbage.

Happy birthday, buddy! And many more!